Do I love myself?

6 Mar

Do I love myself? An interesting question I must admit. How often in your lifetime have you asked yourself this question?

I prefer the definition of love that says this, “actions towards others (or oneself) based on compassion.”

I grew up not thinking about loving myself but about loving others, especially the females. I was interested in “girls” from a very early age. If my memory serves me correctly, I proposed marriage to the neighbor girl, Sandy when I was about 3. (Of course, she said “yes”). I remember kissing girls on the playground during kindergarten recess. I fell in love for the first time in the fifth grade (I wasn’t “in” love with Sandy at age 3, just thought it would be nice to be married). My muse was Linda with fiery, red hair. I was entranced. For Valentines, I bought her expensive gifts from my paper route $. However, shortly after Valentines, my very best (male) friend stole her from me.

I didn’t fall “in” love again until my senior year in high school. I might have fallen earlier for this “girl” but I was very distracted by so much going on in my life. However, unfortunately, I found out “too late” that I was in love with Brandi. By the time I figured it out, my brain was just starting to mature. I had basically treated her like trash (my actions had not been compassionate). And when the opportunity arose, she was gone from my life forever. And my life changed forever (well, almost).

After Brandi “left” me, I fell “in” love with alcohol. I stayed in love with the poison for 10 years, my longest lasting relationship to date. I was very compassionate with alcohol. I praised it. I adored it. I escaped with it. I took it everywhere with me. I chose it over others. But as all good things must come to an end (so someone said once), my love for alcohol turned ugly and I gave it up for a life of sobriety.

For the past 17 years, I have been moving toward loving myself but it has been the great(est) challenge of my lifetime. I have been compassionate towards myself by staying sober. But I just haven’t been compassionate to my inner self like I could have. What has been holding me back? What holds you back from deeply, loving yourself? I call it garbage. The garbage that I have done and the garbage that I have told myself repeatedly over time. It is time to turn on the garbage disposal and take out the trash. I want to really love myself for the first time in my life. Will you join me?

Kim Casali…who? Ms.Casali was responsible for the comic strip, “Love Is“. In my humble opinion, she was the expert on love. Her comic strip (really just a picture with very few words) is and was the template for teaching one how to really love. I just pulled up her website: loveiscomix.com and found this little treasure, “Love is…when life is richer for knowing you.” That is what I am going to strive for from this day forward, appreciating how my life is richer for knowing myself better.

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