Love is…Finding love again

19 Mar

I wrote a post a little while ago about how I loved myself and the women throughout my life. On both counts, I had said that I lacked love. Well, I am here to change that on the second count, the women.

My new insight came from watching “The Notebook” the other night. As you all know, the movie centers on two lovers who get separated but find their way back to each other to live a long and loving life together.

All this time, I have been living and thinking that my life wasn’t complete because I lost my “first, real love” way back in college (I was 19). I was under the belief that I could never love again like I loved that first time. I thought that no woman could ever measure up to “her”. This belief actually started me on a path of self destruction that lasted for many years. Very unfortunately. Because during that time, I met some special women along the way and I didn’t give them their due.

Due to this new insight (way overdue), I finally have to let my first love go. She let go of me 26 years ago. I guess I have a good grip. LOL. But there is more…whatever happened to Paul Harvey? I am grateful for the women that I have shared my life with. Each  woman chiseled away at the man I have become and strive to become more of.

I remember Sue back in Menomonie, WI. I fell for her fast after I saw her super smile and heard her loving laugh. We walked and tripped over learning how to live in this world without the aid of our parents. She was my glue that held me together when those around us didn’t approve of what we were doing. But I lost Sue due to my continued self destructive ways and to this day, she hasn’t forgiven me and that hurts.

Then I met my first wife, Alison, after a date was set-up for her and one of my friends didn’t go so well. I also fell fast for Alison and asked her to marry me within eight months of our first date. She was the kindest, most respectful person I have ever met. And I thought I had those traits. I had nothing on her but she brought them out in me. Alison also had a super smile that would make any temporary woe just go away. But due to my lingering belief about my first love, I had doubts about “really” marrying Alison. Doubts I didn’t share with her and the marriage ended as fast as it started and I lost love again. I was able to say “hi” to her recently over the phone (after 16 years) and she is happily married with kids. Good for her.

I found my first love in sobriety with my second wife, Maria. Yes, again I fell fast and hard with Maria. Hey, when I know, I know. Maria had the most magnetic personality that I have ever encountered “off the screen”. She was just bursting with affection and wanted to please me and I wanted to please her. This time around, it wasn’t me who fouled up. Maria had a tendency to run when  she didn’t get her way. And she just didn’t run to her friend’s, she would run for months. I didn’t so much care for an absentee wife, so I divorced her and moved to the Sooner State.

However, my love for Maria didn’t stop with some legal paperwork and we got married again a couple years later in a very romantic ceremony in Eureka Springs, AR. But, it wasn’t long before she was running again and again I divorced her for it.

Yes, I am very grateful that I had the opportunities I have had with the “loves” in my life and I am also grateful that I can finally move on and really love the next woman God puts in my path.




3 Responses to “Love is…Finding love again”

  1. Norma March 19, 2012 at 11:35 pm #

    It IS all about letting go of the “dream” relationship so one can really care about another!!I too have spent my life holding out for that person to complete me and no one has—-I am glad you are ready to move on–How about your last one??was that not love???

    • lifechangecounseling March 19, 2012 at 11:45 pm #

      I haven’t been waiting for someone to complete me. Only God can do that. I just thought I was unable love like my first love, but I was wrong.
      My last relationship wasn’t based on love that is why I didn’t mention it.

      • lifechangecounseling May 4, 2012 at 10:31 am #

        I was wrong about my last relationship.I did love her. I have just been disappointed by her since I left her.

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